Interview with Domina Ravie
Inside the World of a Professional Domme
I stumbled upon Domina Ravie a while back and we developed a bit of a non-D/s wife-approved rapport — perhaps you’ve seen me promote her AMAs on Reddit once or twice. I thought it might be fun to give my mostly-male readers a peek into her life and her take on a few common questions. This interview will cover a bit about how she became a domme; her personal life; her perspective for those with vanilla partners; and what to look for in a prodomme and how to vet one.
Full disclosure: our relationship is completely non-commercial. I promote her AMAs because I legitimately feel they are of value to members of the chastity community. And while this interview may lead to her finding a new sub or two, I think the benefit to the community of having someone like Domina Ravie be an open and honest participant outweighs any incidental promotion from this or her AMAs.
To start, was there a time you were vanilla and realized you had a dominant streak? When was it you dove into this in your personal life? And when did you decide to do this professionally?
It’s a longer story I tell sometimes. When I was in my early 20s I did some kinky experimenting (without realizing that I was embodying dominance), followed by many years of vanilla monogamy. When I left the vanilla (and the monogamy) behind for good, I returned to the kink scene believing I was submissive, but it didn’t feel right. Eventually, I reclaimed my dominance, but it took some time for me to get there.
I started with one in-person service sub. I learned a lot before first expanding to working professionally online and then in person. It has been a journey of self discovery and empowerment, and I am always training, learning and growing.
What was it like “reclaiming your dominance”? You make it almost sound like a conscious effort.
It is difficult to describe the whole experience, but it took a while to really admit to myself how absolutely unsatisfied I was every time I tried to sub, like I was trying to grasp at smoke. And, I had laughed off comments from a few people in my life who said I should try domming; I thought it was ridiculous. However, over time these things started to sink in, and I remembered my earlier experiences being dominant. Eventually, all those pieces all came together into the clarity that I needed and it was an “ah-ha,” and a “duh” moment all at the same time.
Can you tell us about your first submissive? Were they experienced or did you grow together?
My first sub was a sweet man, a service sub with a chastity kink. At the time I had no experience with keyholding and it felt like it would be a tremendous amount of responsibility for me. I did not understand what was appealing to subs about chastity. (Orgasms are great! Let’s have more of them!) So, before agreeing to take him on, I wanted to understand how and why chastity was fulfilling for him. We had some deep conversations about it, and as I learned more, I began to see the potential for truly deep submission and connection. The farther down the rabbit hole I went, the more I knew this was going to change my life forever. I jumped in and never looked back. Ultimately, this D/s relationship was relatively short-lived for various reasons, but I will always be grateful to him for awakening my little keyholder heart.
Adjacent to that topic, I’m sure you’d be shocked to learn that I have more than a few readers who would love to know how to encourage their partners to be more dominant. What advice would you have for them? Or their partners?
This is a hot button topic for me that I am delighted to discuss. I see these posts a lot and it’s one of the things that inspired me to start hosting my periodic AMA livestreams.
First and foremost, you can’t make a person be something they’re not. So, let that go. You can, however, have an open and honest conversation, make a request, ask for some behaviors or actions, and see how that goes.
But, I need to insist that you take ‘no’ for an answer. Don’t burden your partner with pressure, guilt, passive aggressive sighs, or your disappointed face. It’s not worth risking resentment in your relationship just to get your kink satisfied from your clearly reluctant, unenthusiastic partner. Put your relationship before your kink.
However, on the other hand…. are they open minded? Curious? Willing to experiment? Make that the best choice they ever made; water that garden. That’s the big secret. That’s literally it: reciprocation.
Whether you already have a dominant partner, or somewhere in the grey area of negotiation… have awareness that YOU are at the receiving end of something that you badly want, and your partner is at the giving end of providing something awesome for you that takes a ton of mental and emotional labor. You are going to be much more successful getting your needs met if you figure out a way to reciprocate in a way that is meaningful for your partner.
NOTE: Things that are NOT meaningful reciprocation:
your submission
your enjoyment of their dominance
you letting them “use” your body
your obedience/devotion
your partner having orgasms
Hear me again: This is not reciprocation for the labor and effort of their dominance, even if they enjoy doing it.
Find out what your partner wants, what will inspire and motivate them to keep putting in the extra effort, time, creativity, and labor that it takes to be the D to your s, and provide that for them. It doesn’t have to be kink related, but I guarantee that if you make their life easier or better in some way, they are going to have more bandwidth to rock your world. Their willingness and enthusiasm might change over time, so be attentive to their needs and be careful about expectations developing by default. Have the “is this still working for you?” conversation once in a while and don’t leave it to your partner to bring it up.
Switching gears, how do you characterize yourself as a domme?
I am, as the kids say these days, a gentle domme or a mommy domme, but titles like that can be easily misunderstood because every Domme brings a different skillset to the table.
I would say “Mother” is my most powerful archetype; this doesn’t necessarily relate to age play, but is about caring, nurturing, owning, and transformation. So many of my subs and clients crave to be seen as their authentic selves and to receive unconditional love and acceptance, and I don’t take that lightly. Empathy is my superpower, and I use this in every part of my dominance, even (especially) discipline or humiliation.
I wanted to understand how and why chastity was fulfilling for him. We had some deep conversations about it, and as I learned more, I began to see the potential for truly deep submission and connection. The farther down the rabbit hole I went, the more I knew this was going to change my life forever.
As the kids say? Always love a good double entendre. And Mother is a powerful archetype, and I’m not sure I’ve heard it used in this context before. Can you speak a bit more about how empathy comes into play?
Oh gosh, such a big question. Empathy pours out of me like a faucet, so vibes rule all my connections and I tend to approach my D/s relationships fairly holistically. Empathy creates a container for vulnerability and authenticity to grow which deepens our connection, and I am able to really dig in, body, mind and soul.
I think many of us either remember being held like that, so vulnerably, by our mothers, or wish we had been. Either way it is a healing opportunity for me to step into, with each sub, even if I don’t use the name directly. It’s an energetic thing.
I can’t force a submissive to trust me, but I think that empathy is the foundation for building a genuine, trust-based relationship. When you feel truly seen by someone and know that you are safe, that’s where real surrender can happen. Those deeper levels of submission can be both terrifying and liberating.
Obviously you have some very “transactional” clients but how long have some of your long-term clients been with you?
I do enjoy working with subs in the whole spectrum from transactional to intimate relationships, but I personally get the most out of long-term, connected dynamics, even when being compensated for the work I do. I just celebrated one year with my longest term online sub by accepting his key and my longest-term in-person sub is approaching the two-year mark.
I also have some clients — people that just pay for time with me and don’t want to invest in a dynamic outside of that time — some of whom have been with me on and off for years.
I hope I’m not prying too much but how do you balance a long-term client relationship with the very personal and emotional connection that must come with the territory?
I get attached! There’s no way around it. As the dominant in the power exchange, I have to manage my feelings, maintain good boundaries, help the sub manage their feelings, and know where to draw the line. This alone is why I get paid the big bucks (**big bucks not included). I know that it’s my responsibility to put the sub’s needs first, and above all, I truly care about them and I want them to thrive. Sometimes that means a bit of heartache for myself.
Empathy creates a container for vulnerability and authenticity to grow which deepens our connection, and I am able to really dig in, body, mind and soul.
I have limits of how many subs I can manage, and that number will fluctuate depending on what is going on in my life, and what the dynamics are like with my current subs. Every sub needs something different (I need this embroidered on a pillow because I say it so often), and so my output is always fluctuating. Sometimes I can handle 10, sometimes I max out at 3. I don’t want to short-change anybody, so I am careful to make sure I have the time and bandwidth for another sub before accepting someone new.
So, switching gears, what is your living situation? Single, romantic partner, spouse?
After leaving the aforementioned vanilla monogamy phase, I made the decision to become ethically-nonmonogamous. I am single by choice, and have the autonomy to pursue relationships of various kinds with whomever I wish. Similar to the types of D/s dynamics I prefer, I like relationships with depth and closeness. Sometimes kink is involved, but typically I don’t like adding that layer until a relationship is well-established.
With the kink awakening and the ENM, I have never felt so much freedom in my whole life to be my genuine self, and it is lovely.
Are your ENM relationships bilateral or is there a cuckolding aspect involved? And if so, does chastity come into play? Sorry, but knowing people, they’ll kill me if I don’t ask.
Haha, I am an open book, no worries. I always have a handful of online cucks who are eager to worship me at any given moment, and I am here for it. In an online dynamic this mostly presents as teasing, taunting, tasks, reminders, sometimes pictures, outfit-choosing privileges, panty-purchasing, opportunities for gifting etc, and rarely — only for my most loyal puppies — some intimate content.
My in-person chastity sub is also a cuck, and that is a super fun opportunity to have scenes with an Alpha; it is one of my favorite things to indulge in. However, it can be uncommon because it’s hard to find confident feminist Alpha partners. Most of them are just arrogant misogynists and it is exhausting to try dating them.
In my romantic dating life, I don’t tend to date subs — I tried, honestly, and I have been disappointed in the lack of reciprocity (SEE ABOVE: RECIPROCITY) and the expectation that I use my skills just because I have them. So, I really just focus on vanilla dating and if kink gets involved that is a fantastic bonus. If anything, I go for more dominant types because I love a Daddy. I don’t want to be submitted, and I can’t stand “I’m A pLeaSuRe dOm” douchebags, but I like to crawl into a lap and to be told I am a good girl sometimes. I know… that took a turn; you’re welcome.
[Editors note: Do not approach Domina Ravie with horrible grammar or punctuation. Or any domme for that matter.]
So, if I wanted to be a submissive of yours what would the process be like?
I have developed a method that works well for me. I work with subs online all over the world, as well as in-person in the Pacific Northwest area, and the process is largely the same, starting with an application/questionnaire. This covers the sub’s kink history, their wants, needs, boundaries and limits. It also covers what they want to feel and accomplish through our dynamic.
We then have a little interview to discuss and negotiate. This face-to-face video chat matters to me because it is the first opportunity to have a little eye contact, and start to build genuine trust and rapport.
This process is the foundation of our work together and helps me craft the sub’s immersive experience and bring them to submission safely. From there, it takes intuition, empathy and communication to continue moving forward.
Can you tell me a bit about how you practice remote keyholding?
Yes, of course. My Keyholding dynamics are immersive and full-time. This ongoing contact allows me to establish rules and protocols, give tasks that build in intensity, and take advantage of down-time for aftercare to recover. We work our dynamic in and around the highs and lows of real life in a way that makes sense. I describe what I do as a cross between a dominant GFE and a kinky life coach, and I like to have a lot of communication.
Practically speaking, I operate pretty exclusively via Telegram. It is really versatile for my needs. I exchange a lot of texting and video messaging.
Our interactions cover a lot of ground. Depending on what we agreed on, there can be cage checks, goal accountability and refining, social check-ins. There is tease & denial and fetish based tasks, customized to the interests, goals, kinks and fetishes we discussed on the application. We work through any cage fit issues or emotional obstacles that come up during this time. I set up a habit tracker app with a point /reward system, and a spin-the-wheel for a little bit of gamified rewards. Some levity is nice when we are doing some serious stuff.
Anyone still think keyholding is easy? Lol.
One of my FAQs — what about sending keys? Some of you might be surprised to hear that I do not usually take possession of the keys. What I do is control the keys, and I don’t need to have them to do that effectively. Some subs like to send them, and I proudly will take them, but it is not necessary. I know that my subs are serious about obedience and will follow my rules. But, for practical reasons I need my subs to have their keys — I give instructions to be in and out of the cage all the time, plus emergencies, hygiene, et cetera. So, you need your keys! Please never send your keys to a stranger, and if you do, keep at least one.
Speaking of, I’ve noticed you posting in places like r/keyholderPublic. Has your key ever been recognized in public for what it is? Any men obviously reacting to it?
Ah, such a good question. I am always on the lookout for knowing eye contact when I wear my key publicly — I imagine I might have had a couple of nervous glances but I can never be sure. I always make sure to look back at the person with the slightest knowing look, and perhaps a bit of a dare, just in case. But, nobody should approach me if they recognize it because it would be inappropriate, and gladly nobody has.
Have you ever been a domme in a non-sexual way, where the sub’s attraction wasn’t part of the dynamic? And on that topic, any couples, straight women, etc?
Yes, there are “tasting” situations often, where there are short negotiated kinky scenes, spankings for example, that are often not sexual in intent. That happens all the time at parties and events.
In more private settings, the most common example I can think of is when a chastity sub wants to use me as a Femdom or Keyholder to help them break a porn addiction, or a similar means to an end.
I have never had a straight woman request my professional services. I did have a queer female lifestyle sub for a while (ugh so fun; I would love more of that).
Couples typically present as men online who want to be cucked by proxy; for example, I tell him how and when he is allowed to be intimate with his partner; I make sure she is well taken care of, while he is mostly teased and denied. Having a couple come to me together would be a lot of fun.
And I’m sorry, this feels like a crass question but say I was single and wanted someone to be that keyholder for me — some teasing texts, cage checks, maybe a video call every now and then, what should I be prepared to pay?
Not a crass question to ask a pro Domme, but it is too broad to answer directly, and since every provider is different I can only give my opinion here.
There is a spectrum of keyholders from “models” who don’t really have any real life experience but produce amazing content, all the way to dungeon-owning dominatrixes who have been working for decades. All of these are valid, and there are subs that have a preference for many different options. Each provider should set the price for what she feels her time is worth. Subs should find providers that match their preferences and budget. I often talk about finding “the right” domme and vetting providers in my AMA livestreams. It’s a very complex topic.
As for myself, the type of service you described is not how I do immersive full-time keyholding with my subs, but it is exactly how I engage with what I describe as my “clients.” This works best in a fan-site environment where you would chat with me as much as you wanted, when you wanted, and I would respond in-kind.
This is a great option for anyone who wants to set their own pace and intensity, keep to a specific budget, and choose how and when you interact with me. We can video chat, text, and send/receive pics and videos as much or little as you want. There is no payment in advance, and no commitment. I don’t even require an application or interview for this (although it can help me do a better job so I encourage it for those who want to work closely with me).
There are some downsides to going this route. Primarily, it is more difficult to have a deeper connection, and I am not able to plan ahead for longer tasks. Since I am not in charge of our pacing, the intensity tends to be more relaxed and the levels of submission are definitely not as deep as the ongoing immersive submission.
There are pros and cons to both options and I am always happy to talk it through to help find the best choice.
I do have one final question. What advice would you give men looking for an online keyholder? What can they expect? What questions should they ask? How can they do it safely?
“I have one final question: what is the meaning of life?” haha. Seriously, I could write a novel about this; I tend to talk for about an hour or more about this alone during my AMAs because it is so important. I will give some of my best tips but I wish I had all day to expand on each one. I am using she/her pronouns here, but super hot Keyholders come in all genders and orientations.
RESEARCH: Do your “homework” — read profiles, look at content, links, and posting history, to make sure they could be a good fit for what you want and need before sending a query. Remember, you’re looking for a service, not just aesthetics. If you are not chatting on a fan site, make sure the person you’re talking to matches the content you are looking at.
AGE VERIFICATION- YOURS: Your Domme should want to verify you are an adult. Don’t work with anyone who is cavalier about potentially working with minors. Not only is this morally disgusting, but do you want to be found in her contacts if she gets raided for working with minors?
AGE VERIFICATION- THEIRS: Easiest way — if your provider has a fansite (OF, LF, SP, Fansly etc), she has verified herself as an adult. Otherwise, probably video chat and ask to see her ID to be sure.
CHEMISTRY: If you have an opportunity to engage in a chat or video call on a fansite, that is a good way to gauge chemistry or talk about details before making a financial commitment to a Keyholder.
AUTHENTICITY: Accounts with huge followings have challenges engaging one-on-one with fans, so proceed with caution. You risk engaging with fakes, agencies, or chatters, bait and switch problems, or falling by the wayside after you pay. If you want to work with one of these bigger “stars,” start small or pay as you go until you build trust. You should be getting one-on-one customized attention, not pre-produced programming.
CARE: When setting up your dynamic, your Domme should ask about, and care about your wants, needs, limits, boundaries, and goals. Check-ins and negotiations should be encouraged, and communication welcome.
CONTRACT: Make sure your payment agreement is clear; it should state in writing the amount you will pay, and what she will provide. Take a screenshot and save it for your records. If your Domme starts asking for money beyond what was agreed, pause the dynamic to clarify the boundaries and agreements immediately. (You can simply say, I need to pause our dynamic to clarify our payment agreement.) If the issue is not resolved with a conversation, report the Domme to whatever platform she came from, if possible.
PAYMENTS: Use safe payment methods. I personally accept payment on any fansite, throne, youpay, or cashapp. Some providers take bitcoin or digital gift cards. If you aren’t comfortable with something, don’t use it. Never give direct access to your bank. After trust is built you might consider other methods, but at first, stick to the trusted basics.
SAFETY: Even online, Dommes and subs should know and use kink safety protocols like RACK/PRICK, and safe words. As a sub, please educate yourself on these things so you are confident advocating for yourself. Remember, your submission is a gift and you are in control of yourself at all times. Your Domme should welcome boundaries.
LIMITS: Anything extreme like “no limits” or “permanent chastity” or “blackmail” or “exposure” or “unethical” etc, etc, etc, is ROLEPLAY and it should be clear that your Domme knows that. These things can be fun (if you have pre-consented) but your Domme should know where the limits are so you can let go and enjoy the thrill of them, but ultimately know that you are safe and your life isn’t actually going to be ruined. Never give passwords or access to your phone.
OPENING MESSAGE: After you have done your homework, you will be ready to send DMs. To be respectful, pursue one Domme at a time. If the first does not work out, move on to the next. Send a DM with a short, polite message expressing your interest in working with her. As a sub, you want to show your sincerity and respect, and avoid just showing up with a list of demands and expectations (which is our typical experience). If on a fansite, you are using the paid chat but if you are on social media, check the bio for a tribute amount and paylinks, and then confirm this information in the DM. This way, if she is not accepting subs, or never responds, or hates guys named Sam, you don’t waste the money. I don’t require a tribute but here is an example of what I would consider a perfect opening message: Hello Mistress Ravie, my name is Sam and I am 37, from Arizona. I have looked at your content and links, read your pinned post, and I think you are a perfect fit for what I am looking for. I am a new chastity sub, interested in exploring a long-term keyholding dynamic that includes SPH, foot worship, and tease and denial. I would love to chat with you about working together. Is cashapp still your preferred tribute link?
Let’s talk briefly about TRIBUTES! Specifically in the context of fair money exchange vs findommes because I don’t want anyone to shoot themselves in the foot here.
Findom is a kink where the sub is aroused by paying a dominant, getting nothing in return. They just want to pay, and sometimes feel dumb, humiliated, weak, small, etc, for doing so and get fired up about that. There is no exchange of goods or services implied or promised. “Tributes” (aka tips for a domme) are a hallmark of findom.
Many Femdommes charge money for their work, time and skill. This is NOT findom and these are not tributes or tips. It’s just a fair money exchange for a service, the same as if you were paying for a massage.
Findommes and Femdommes sometimes ask for a tribute to send an initial message to them. This is where things get murky and seem like Findom World. But, if you do your homework, you will not accidentally choose a findomme.
Don’t let a Domme’s tribute requirement scare you away, because you are doing this the right way and vetting her first. Legit FemDommes use DM tributes to weed out the bajillion time wasters from the quality, sincere subs.
I really want to thank Domina Ravie for taking the time. And I want to thank her for being such a positive contributor to the online D/s community — as a mod of a popular subreddit, it’s so easy to become jaded.
I do hope you’ll pop into one of her AMAs. They are hosted on LoyalFans and require nothing more than a follow to join. But I will say they are monetized in that tips are accepted.
You can find Domina Ravie and links to her other socials on her Reddit page here.
Thank you for the insight in your life…
I learn so much about this dynamic when she speaks... I'm now more informed. Thank you for this article.